Thursday Thirteen

13 Really Messed Up Local Newspaper Blurbs I Wish I Never Read

1. A local couple allegedly had sex with their dog.  "The man and his wife put themselves in danger by having sex with a dog who was not vaccinated,” a violation report says.  -- Yeah.  The problem is that the dog wasn't vaccinated.  Uh-huh.  Sure.
2. Local detectives found 30 grams of crack hidden in a man's buttocks.  -- Thirty grams?  That's like, 1/4 cup!  Jeez!
3. A former, local volunteer firefighter accused of being a serial arsonist made a big mistake:  when 911 mistakenly dispatched crews to the wrong address of a brush fire, the accused responded directly to the correct location of the fire, and was the only member of the department to do so. -- WTG, moron.
4. A local 28-yo, half-naked man, armed with a rifle, terrorized his neighborhood, firing two shots . . . the first through his window & into a tax collection office, and the second as he strolled down the street.  When police arrested him, he was wearing only a t-shirt; he'd been wearing underwear, but he apparently lost them at some point. -- Yep, this happened about 20 minutes from my house.
5. A local tow-truck driver, and acclaimed rabble-rouser, brought a stuffed pig to several city council meetings, during which he would occasionally make porcine noises and holler, "C'mon, piggies, squeal!" at the mayor and council. -- Yep.  Makes me proud to admit that I was born in that particular city.
6. A local low-life burglarized and torched a little league press box and concession stand, but was easily arrested because he left his cellphone at the scene. -- Brain trust, that one.
7. A thoughtful son robbed a local service station, but before fleeing with his $317, he called his mom and had a 7-minute long conversation with her.  He told the clerk to disable the redial feature, but that was a moot point, since his mom called him back at the station, and the police traced the call.  -- Yeah.
   
8. Another local yahoo made a nice routine drug deal, during which he accidentally and unknowingly dialed 911; the entire transaction was recorded by authorities. -- I would've loved to have been the dispatcher for this particular call.
9. On his way home from a bar, in the wee hours of the night, a local idiot thought it would be fun to rummage through several vehicles for valuables.  It was easy for police to find him, though, as he left his state ID card on the passenger seat of one of the cars. -- What can I say?
10. A local drunk hit a stop sign and several concrete parking blocks, then fled the scene on foot carrying a box of pizza.  Police followed the trail of pepperoni that he left on the sidewalk as he "ate & ran", and found him not far from the scene of the crime. -- I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
11. Two local cuckoos, in two separate, local hotels, were arrested for basically the same thing on the SAME DAY:  running around the public areas of their respective hotels buck-ass nekkid. -- Must've been something in the water that day. 
12. Yet another local genius decided to rob a bank, and then decided to celebrate by going out and getting shit-faced, falling-down drunk.  He was arrested on a simple public drunkenness charge.  The arresting police had NO IDEA that this dumbass was also a bank robber, until a local reporter made the connection after seeing the picture of said dumbass that the police sent out in response to a request by a local media outlet. -- Honestly?
13. Finally, a local stupid-head ran amok in a local supermarket.  He polished off a rottiserie chicken & dumped the remnents into a live lobster tank!  He threatened employees!  He shook up 2-liter bottles of soda & returned them to their shelves!  He stomped on myriad food products!  All in all, he ate or ruined about $210 worth of products, and the live lobster tank had to be shut down due to contamination.  -- No word on how the lobsters fared after their ordeal, though.  

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