Band Trip Debacle! AKA: This is long and (most likely) boring . . . read at your own risk!

Tuesday, 5/14/2013

8:15 AM
Twenty-eight students.  Ten moms, one dad, and one grandmother.  One very green, rather misguided band director.  One moronic, creepy, semi-pedophilic, utterly incompetent drummer, who calls himself a "percussion instructor".  And one chorus director cum color guard instructor.  Forty-three people in all board a motorcoach bus bound for New York City.  The bus was scheduled to depart at 8:00 AM.  We're already running late.

9:00 AM
The bus hits construction traffic on the PA Turnpike.

10:30 AM
As per the trip itinerary, the bus should be arriving at Rockefeller Center at this time.  Instead, the bus is making its way through pretty heavy traffic on 495; we've not yet hit the Lincoln Tunnel.

11:00 AM
As per the trip itinerary, our group is supposed to be making the ascent to the Top of the Rock Observatory at Rockefeller Center, to enjoy "billion dollar views, the stuff dreams are made of", and then having lunch on our own.  Instead, we're still on the bus, making our way through traffic in Hell's Kitchen.

11:15 AM
Our group is standing on the sidewalk outside Rockefeller Center, waiting to go in and make our way up to the observatory.  Our tickets specify an entry time of 11:15 AM - 11:30 AM.  I'm not sure if this was the entry time all along (making the itinerary useless from the start), or if we were given a new entry time based on our arrival.

11:45 AM
As per the trip itinerary, our group is supposed to be departing Rockefeller Center for Times Square.  Instead, we've all just made it to the observatory.  (Incidentally, it was pretty fucking awesome up there.  I'd love to go again and spend more time without having to worry about an itinerary.)

12:30 PM
As per the trip itinerary, our group should have been enjoying "a few hours taking in the sites and sounds of Times Square, the entertainment Mecca of the World" from 11:45 AM - 3:30 PM.  Instead, at about 12:30 PM, we're all just descending from the observatory and have been told to go to lunch.  We're told to meet back in Rockefeller Plaza at 1:45 PM.

Now, the parent chaperones on this trip had all made it pretty damn clear that NO CHILD (or adult, for that matter) should be ALONE on the streets of New York for any part of this trip.  Keep that in mind.

My mom and I had 2 kids in our subset group, one being my 14-yo.  But our 2 kids want to hang with their friends, so we ended up walking to lunch with the chorus director/color guard instructor and her subset group of 5 kids.  We went to eat at Pronto Pizza on 48th, across from Nintendo World (which is right on Rockefeller Plaza), but because there were 9 of us, we couldn't find seating together.  So we grabbed a couple tables, bought some outstanding slices of pizza, and sat to eat.  As we sat down, I did a headcount, came up short; we were missing one of our kids.  Not one from my group, though, so I asked the chorus director where her missing kid was.  She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, he didn't want pizza, so he went two doors down to get Chinese."  I asked her who went with him, and she said, "No one."

So much for NO CHILD ALONE, right?  ~sigh~

1:45 PM
We all meet back at Rockefeller Plaza, and we're introduced to our tour guide.  He talks and talks and talks, and finally we start walking to Times Square, taking the scenic route, of course. 

2:00 PM
Times Square.  More talking.  Finally, we're told that we have free time, but we must meet at the corner of 44th Street & 7th Avenue at 3:45 PM, in order to walk to The Jekyll & Hyde Club for dinner.  

Again, we ended up with the chorus director and her group of kids, which was great, because they wanted to go to Starbucks, which made me a happy, snappy chaperone!  After a caffeine fix, we walked down to The Disney Store (amazeballs!), and then we went to Toys R Us -- which, incidentally, is caddy-corner from where we were scheduled to meet to walk to dinner.

3:45 PM
We meet on the corner and walk to The Jekyll & Hyde Club -- and at this point, we're actually ON ITINERARY.  (Wow!)

Holy smokes, Jekyll & Hyde is just so damn neat!  Seriously . . . if you've never been, and you get a chance to, DO IT!  I can't recommend the penne pasta with marinara or the burger that were offered as choices to our group, but the chicken tenders and fries were good, the chicken Caesar salad was decent; I imagine that if you were to order off the menu, the food would be a lot better.  The entertainment, however?  Fucking OUTSTANDING!  

6:20 PM
After dinner, we walk to The Gershwin Theater, arriving at 6:20 PM, a whole, whopping 10 minutes before we're supposed to start walking to the theater, as per the itinerary!  Whoo-hoo!  Though, since the performance started at 7:00 PM, leaving Jekyll & Hyde at 6:30 PM, following the itinerary, would've been a disaster.  Jekyll & Hyde is on 44th.  The Gershwin is between 50th & 51st.  Yes, it's only about 6 blocks, and the "Street" blocks in NY are the short ones (unlike the "Avenue" blocks).  However, trying to navigate 6 blocks, in NYC, with 43 people -- or, rather, 44 people, counting the tour guide -- 28 of whom are kids -- all, save the tour guide, who live in an area that is the POLAR OPPOSITE of NYC with respect to crowds and traffic and the like . . . ?  It's a recipe for disaster.  THANK GOODNESS we started walking to the theater early; we'd never have made the show had we followed the itinerary's time-table.

6:50 PM
We're all in our seats for the show.  Nosebleed seats, mind you, but that's okay . . . the Gershwin is a superbly designed theater, and no matter where you're sitting, your view of the stage is pert-near perfect.  And the bonus for the nosebleed seats?  We band geeks had a really nice view of the pit orchestra!  Squee!!

So as we're sitting there, before curtain, along comes Issue #1 of funny-that-aren't-quite-funny issues -- fucked up itinerary aside.

Before the show, "Amy" (a chaperone*) went to the bar in the theater lobby and ordered a beer.  Another chaperone, "Susan", saw this, and "scolded" "Amy", telling her that she was setting a poor example for the students.  Oy, vey.   First of all, there's nothing in the Boosters' by-laws saying that chaperones cannot drink on trips.  Second of all, one beer does not a "bad example" make.  Had "Amy" been throwing back beer after beer, or mixed drink after mixed drink, or shot after
shot . . . ?  Okay, then yeah . . . that's not cool.  But one legal-aged adult chaperone, on a bus trip, who orders and drinks one beer?  Give me a break.  "Amy" and "Marie", who were hanging together, were both sitting next to me for the show.  When they told me what had happened, I laughed.  Then, I got an earful from them about how they feel about how things are run in the Boosters, and decisions that have been made by Booster members and by the director, and to my pleasant
surprise . . . ?  Without even realizing it, these two moms are on Team Kelly!  So, maybe I won't be a pariah within the Boosters Assoc. any more . . . maybe, from now on, I'll actually have some support!

7:00 PM
Wicked!  Amazing.  There are no words.  Seriously.  Go see it.  Now.

10:00-ish PM
After the show, we meet back out in front of the theater.  We need to go find the bus so we can be taken to our hotel near the Newark Airport.  The director calls the chaperones together and tells us that it's going to be late by the time we get to the hotel and get unloaded and checked in, therefore there will be no "free time"; all kids need to go directly to their rooms for an immediate lights-out call.  I was fine with this; it was a loooooonnnnngggg day, and everyone is exhausted.  But then, he opens his mouth again, and stupidity starts coming out in droves.  Here comes Issue #2.

He tells us that he will be putting masking tape across the kids' doors in the hotel, to ensure that no one leaves their room after lights-out.  

Seriously?

I must have had a look on my face, because he looked at me and proceeded to say that this has been done every year on the trip since he's been the director . . . and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a bold-faced lie.  And me, being tired and cranky, immediately spoke up and said, "No, we didn't."

He said, "No, we did!  Really!  We came around and did it after lights-out; we just didn't tell anyone we were doing it."

LIES!!!!

First of all, why would you do something that ridiculous and NOT tell your chaperones that you were doing it?  Secondly, if you'd done it every year WITHOUT informing the chaperones, then WHY inform the chaperones this year?  Because it's BULLSHIT . . . that's why.  I've been on the trip as a chaperone every year since he's been the director.  He's NEVER done the "tape the door" thing.  Every year that I chaperoned, I'd go say goodnight to my kid as room checks for lights-out were being done.  Then, I'd sit my ass down in the hallway, outside my room, with a book or a deck of cards, and I'd sit there for at least 45 minutes to an hour.  The ONLY time a kid came out of her room, was to run her brother's toothbrush down to his room, and that was maybe 5 minutes after room checks had been done.  No kid in our group EVER tried to sneak out past lights-out.  And no one EVER came around putting tape on kids' doors.

This is why I'm SO. FUCKING. HAPPY that chances are really, really slim that this moron will be the director next year.  I CANNOT STAND THE DUMBASS LIES.  

Here's a brief explanation of the "tape the door" thing:  You see, there are a hundred or so kids involved in PMEA festivals, and depending on where they're coming from, they're boarded in a local hotel for the duration of the festival.  When you've got that many kids, coming from 20 or so different schools, all in one place with only a handful of chaperones -- who, 9 times out of 10, do not know all those kids or what their behavior is like -- then the "tape the door" thing is done, and understandably so.  The door gets taped, and if the tape is NOT where it should be come morning, then there's hell to pay.  Kids can be sent home from festivals and prevented from participating in future festivals.  Considering the circumstances, this all makes sense.

Now consider this:  the chorus director/color guard instructor hosted a PMEA festival this year, so she's well-aware of the "tape the door" thing.  I'm guessing that she's the one who suggested it.  What I can't figure out, is why the band director lied to everyone by saying that we'd done this every year.  If he wanted to give it a go this year, why not just say, "Hey, we're going to try something new this year . . . "  Why lie?  The other thing that confuses me is why the chorus director would suggest taping the doors in a hotel room, but allow a kid to traipse down a NYC street alone for lunch.  WTF?!?  I mean . . . like I said, I get why PMEA utilizes the tape.  A hundred kids, very few chaperones, no one really knows anyone else . . . I get it.  But we had 28 kids from our band on this trip, 12 parental chaperones, and 3 staff members.  Do the math, for fuck's sake!  I did . . . it's 1.8 kids per chaperone!  And all chaperones are exceedingly familiar with all the kids and their behaviors.  I think even suggesting taping the doors was insulting in our specific case.  But whatever . . . it's not the taping that pissed me off.  It's the fact that he lied about doing it before.

I was so disgusted, that I didn't do my usual 'sit out in the hallway' thing.  I got to my room, dropped off my shit, went to my kid's room, kissed her goodnight, went back to my room, and went the fuck to bed.

Wednesday, 5/15/2013

Wednesday wasn't too bad, itinerary-wise.  We had breakfast at the hotel.  We checked out of the hotel, were dropped off at the Museum of Natural History just before 10:00 AM, and we were told that we could spend time in the museum, go check out Central Park . . . whatever.  But we had to be back at the museum entrance, where we were dropped off, by 2:30 PM so that we could get on the bus and go home.

My mom and I told the kids to go do whatever they wanted in the museum, meet us for lunch at 11:30 AM in the museum cafeteria, and then we'd figure out what to do with the rest of the day.  (Somehow, we'd gotten the chorus director's kids in our group, but not the chorus director.  Eh.  Whatever.)  My mom and I have done the museum a bunch of times, so we basically just shopped a bit.  After lunch, the kids wanted to go to Central Park.  So we walked to the Park, went as far as the Castle at Turtle Pond, and then we made our way to Starbucks -- again -- this time, the one on Columbus near W. 81st Street -- because that's what the kids wanted to do.

After meeting back up at 2:30 PM, boarding the bus, and beginning the trek home, Issue #3 reared its ugly head.

I was half-asleep on the bus, listening to Pandora on my phone (because this was before I lost my phone at a mall in Jersey), and the parent sitting in front of me, "Amanda", passes me a plastic bag that has some money in it, along with a note that reads something along the lines of 'Tip for the bus driver; $2 per person, if you can'. 

My first thought was, For the love of God, doesn't anyone realize how tacky it is to dictate how much of a tip someone decides to contribute?!?

She told me to make sure that I passed the bag back.  I said, "To the other parents?  Sure."  To which she replied that she thought the bag was meant to be passed back to everyone . . . including the kids.

What?!?

I asked "Patty", who initiated the bag in the first place, "Really?  You want this to go to the kids?!"  To which she replied that we'd "done it that way for the past 5 years."  Now, again, I've been on the trip for the past 2 years.  Not once do I recall putting tip money in a bag and/or envelope for the bus driver, nor do I recall such a thing being passed along amongst the kids.  (I even asked my husband and 14-yo, and they don't remember it either.)

I was a waitress and a bartender.  I tip.  I'm a damn good tipper, if I do say so myself.  That being said, I've NEVER in my life tipped just for the sake of tipping, especially in a situation that a tip isn't considered strictly necessary.  Now, our bus driver wasn't bad.  He got us from Point A to Point B in one piece.  He was able to navigate the streets of New York with little-to-no problems, and he only took 1 wrong exit.  And pardon me if what I say next makes me sound like a bitch, but he did exactly what he's paid to do . . . no more, no less.  He didn't converse with anyone other than the band director and the tour guide.  He had no discernible personality of which I was able to see.  So, I'm not really sure why we were even putting a tip together for the guy in the first place . . . which is why I didn't put in any money.

My mom did, though, and then I passed the bag to "Amy" and "Marie", who were sitting next to us . . . and I asked them if they thought we should pass the bag back amongst the kids, like the parents sitting in front of us wanted to do.  Both of them said NO.  "Marie" took the bag back to collect from the final two parents, "Lori" and "Kate", who happened to be sitting further back on the bus.  When "Lori" brought the bag back up front, I asked her if she thought we should collect from the kids.  She said NO.

So I gave the bag back to "Patty".  I told her it had gone to all the parents, but NOT the kids.  Five minutes later, "Susan" starts walking to the back of the bus, bag in hand.  So, I stopped her.  I told her that I though it was inappropriate to ask the kids to contribute to the tip, considering this was THEIR BAND TRIP.  And "Susan" says that she disagrees with me.  "Susan" thinks that this is an opportunity to teach the kids to do the right and proper thing in such a situation.

Okay, I'm sorry, but WHO THE FUCK MADE IT HER JOB TO TEACH MY KID -- or any kid, really, other than her own -- ANY DAMN THING AT ALL?!?  Not to mention, since when is it "right" and/or "proper" for kids, on any type of school trip, to be asked to tip the bus driver?!?  

I told her that I felt it was inappropriate, and further . . . I wasn't the only one who felt that way.  "Amy" and "Marie" backed me up right then and there, and I also mentioned that "Lori" didn't agree, either.

"Susan" seemed pissed, but she turned around and sat back down.  I leaned forward and started to say something else, and she gave me "the hand" and barked at me, "It's finished, Kelly.  Just drop it!"  (You know what I mean by "the hand", right?  The "talk to the hand" thing?  Yeah.  That.)

Not one to back down, I persisted.  ""Susan", this is the kind of thing that should have been discussed at a Boosters meeting prior to the trip.  There are children on this trip without their parents . . . it's not fair that those kids' parents haven't been made aware that their kid would be asked to tip the bus driver.  They deserve to know beforehand.  Not to mention, these are all GOOD kids; given the opportunity, they'll hand over whatever they've got in their pockets.  Then, there are some of them who don't have any money left, who will feel bad not being able to contribute.  If you feel a tip is warranted, why don't we give one out of the Boosters funds, instead of asking the kids to contribute?"

Now, throughout my whole speech, she asked me to stop once more, because she didn't want the bus driver to hear us; to which I said, "Well, that's why I'm speaking quietly and not shouting."  I mean, seriously?!?  She was sitting three feet away from me, I was leaning forward toward her, and the bus driver was another four feet from her.  WTF?!  Also "Amanda" kept saying, the whole time I was talking, "It's only voluntary!" -- which, now that I'm remembering it, was kind of humorous.  But not ONCE would she consider my point of view . . . most likely, because it differed from hers.

I really cannot wait until the next Boosters meeting.  (sarcasm)  I have a feeling that not only am I going to be ousted as treasurer, but Issues are going to be discussed, and I just hope that this time, I have back-up.  I also really hope that the new band director, whoever he may be, has my back, too, when the time comes.  It's high time this band is run by someone who TRULY knows what he's doing, rather than select Boosters who haven't a clue and a green, rather misguided, overgrown kid who pays entirely too much attention to the self-proclaimed "percussion instructor" (who can't even count, for cryin' out loud!).

Saturday 9: Greased Lightnin'

Saturday 9: Greased Lightnin'

1) Greased Lightnin' was the name of a car.  Have you ever given your car a name?
Yes.  We name our cars.  We're dorks.  Our current family vehicle, the white Town & Country minivan, is
Vanley . . . or Vanakin Skywalker, if you ask my 8-yo and 14-yo.  (Had we bought a black minivan instead of a white one, we'd have named him Darth Vander.)  (Our old minivan (also a white T&C) was named Vinnie Van Go.)  My car -- a blue Escape -- is named Dory (after the fish of the same color from Finding Nemo).  My husband's car -- a white Scion xB, which closely resembles a toaster -- is named QBert (as in, Cube-Bert, because the car is quite cube-like).

2) Could your vehicle use a trip to the car wash this weekend?
Most definitely.  My blue car has a fine layer of yellow dust all over it, from the pollen in the air.  It's quite disgusting.  Not to mention, we made the 2-hour trip to Philly (for my brother-in-law's wake) in my car, so there's an ass-load of dead bugs all over the grill and the windshield.

3) This song is from the soundtrack of the movie Grease, the biggest money-making movie musical of all time.  Have you ever seen it?
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

4) John Travolta's astrological sign is Aquarius.  What's yours?
I'm a Leo, though I do not "participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of...birth somehow affects...personality."

5) In addition to being John Travolta's birthplace, Englewood, New Jersey, played a significant role in telecommunications history.  In 1951, Englewood's mayor made the first-ever direct-dial long-distance call in the United States.  Now it's your turn.  Tell us something about your birthplace.
I was born in Wilkes-Barre, PA.  It's the county seat of Luzerne County, and in 1906, it became the birthplace of the Planters Peanuts Company.  Apparently, in 1926, Babe Ruth visited Wilkes-Barre's Artillery Park -- which is technically across the Susquehanna River from Wilkes-Barre, and ergo not actually in Wilkes-Barre, but whatever -- to play in an exhibition baseball game.  I won't go into all of it here, but he allegedly hit his longest home run ever in Artillery Park.  (You can read more about that here, if you'd like.)  Wilkes-Barre was largely a coal-mining town until the late 1950s.  In 1972, Wilkes-Barre witnessed some pretty stellar damage due to the Agnes Flood.  Also in 1972, 365 subscribers of Service Electric Cable were the first to receive HBO, making Wilkes-Barre the "birthplace of modern cable TV programming" (as coined by Wikipedia). 

No two people ever seem to pronounce "Wilkes-Barre" the same way; there are some who say "Wilkes-Bar", some who say "Wilkes-Berry", some who say "Wilkes-Berra".  Personally, I pronounce it "Shit Town", and one reason is because in 2008, Wilkes-Barre was put on the map for it's illustrious foray into political corruption.  You can go and read about the Kids for Cash scandal, if you'd like, but I'm not saying anything more about it.  Ooh . . . and then there was the prison break that put Wilkes-Barre in the national spotlight back in 2003.  (If you follow the prison break link, do a Ctrl-F and search for Hugo Selenski, and you'll see what I'm talking about.)  That's a funny story, actually.  I'll have to blog more about it some day.  

6) Travolta is an excellent dancer.  How are you on the dance floor?
A friend of mine once said that the better the musician, the worse the dancer.  I'm not sure if she was complimenting me, or insulting me.  I haven't danced-danced in forever . . . but in my experience, the more I drink, the better I dance.

7) Grease is an upbeat musical about the students of Rydell High.  Another Travolta movie is Carrie, which features the worst prom night imaginable.  Grease or Carrie -- which is closer to your high school experience?
I'd have to say neither.  Though, if someone turned Carrie into a musical, that might be pretty close to what my high school experience was like.

8) What was your best subject in high school?  What was your worst?
I loved English, whether it was Literature or Grammar.  I was always a straight-A student in band class, too.  And though I loved my Trig teacher, I was not great with maths.  The only reason I did so well in American History my junior year is because half the year revolved around the period of time when the Declaration of Independence was written, and we watched 1776 -- ergo, I was able to relate everything to the musical!  Geography was my worst, by far, though.  I have no idea where anything is.

9) Sam made good use of the bus ride to school, using that time to complete her homework.  What do you remember about getting to or from school?
I don't remember much.  In junior high, I remember a guy named Ian who used to hit on me all the time, and on the bus, he'd constantly sing All I Wanna Do is Make Love To You (Heart), which was creepy on so many levels.  I walked in senior high, until my best friend got her license during junior year.  I remember nothing of interest when walking -- other than lugging my clarinet or (yikes!) bari sax to and from -- and riding with my best friend brings back hazy memories of Dixie Chicks and Tim McGraw tapes playing in the car.

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***Come play along over at Saturday 9!  It'll be fun . . . I promise!***

In which my mind fails me, once again . . .

So, I bitched all about my Best Buy experience yesterday . . . and, of course, me being me, I've got some more about which I'd like to rant!

After my Best Buy debacle, I got home and settled in to watch some television.  SVU, Chicago Fire, and CSI were on; although I had my trusty DVR running, all I wanted to do, after the pain-in-the-ass couple of days I'd had, was sit on my ass in front of the boob tube with a Mike's Hard Lemonade, and ZONE. THE. FUCK. OUT.

Ten minutes before the end of Chicago Fire, the picture on my television froze, and a minute later a little blue message box from DirecTV showed up onscreen, telling me that there was a "cabling problem".

Now, this issue has been randomly happening, with increasing regularity, over the past few weeks.  Lately, it's been happening once a day.  Once I reset the receiver, everything goes back to normal . . . but it's a hassle, because it takes a bit of time for the reset to complete.  And if we're trying to DVR something, of course it won't record.

On Monday, it happened during Castle, so I finally called DirecTV customer service.  The rep was very nice; she walked me through resetting my receiver -- though I could've done that on my own -- and she told me that if the issue continued to happen, I should call back so they could set me up with a service visit (so they could replace some doohickey or another).

So, when I got that little blue message box on Wednesday night -- and lost the final 10 minutes of both Chicago Fire and CSI -- I called DirecTV immediately.

The customer service rep I spoke to on Wednesday was not nearly as nice as the rep I spoke to on Monday.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the rep I spoke to on Wednesday was a pod-person.  She had absolutely NO personality.  She spoke in a monotone.  Then, she told me that if I wanted a service visit, I would have to pay $49.99 for the privilege.

~sigh~

Me:  "Why do I have to pay for a service visit?  The rep I spoke to on Monday is the one who told me to call back if the issue continued.  The rep is the one who suggested the service visit.  I rent the DirecTV equipment; I pay a fee every month for it.  Why do I need to pay you to come out and service your equipment?"

Pod Person:  "Because you're a loyal DirecTV customer, I can offer you $25 off the service charge."

Me:  "Again, why do I need to pay you to come out and service your equipment?"

PP:  "You don't pay for the equipment, ma'am.  You pay for the programming."

Me:  "Okay.  Then do you mind explaining why I pay $32 a month for an HD/DVR receiver and 2 additional receivers, as per my monthly bill?"

PP:  "A service visit is $49.99, ma'am."

Me:  "If I were to cancel my DirecTV service this very moment, would you not require me to return all the equipment?  If I wasn't paying for the equipment, then it would be mine, correct?  And when it annoyed me -- such as it's doing now -- I could take a sledgehammer to the lot of it and then drown it in my pool, correct?"

PP:  "Because you're a loyal DirecTV customer, I can--"

Me:  "You can can it and let me speak to a supervisor, is what you can do."

No matter how hard I tried, my mind was just not powerful enough to blow up PP.  Unfortunately. 

I was transferred to a very nice supervisor man, and as he began the process of scheduling my service visit -- at no charge, of course -- he tried to tell me that the reason I kept getting the little blue message box (that read "cabling problem") was because I have shitty, slower-than-snail-snot DSL internet service.  Therefore, as he went about scheduling my service visit, he also tried to sell me satellite internet service.  I politely informed him that the current DSL service I have is through my telephone provider, and it is the ONLY service available in my neck of the woods -- unless I wanted to switch to cable internet, which is not something I'm interested in right now.  He valiantly kept trying to sell me satellite internet (through a company which I assumed is affiliated with DirecTV in some way), though he never once got obnoxiously pushy or anything.  I declined, and the rest of the call went swimmingly. 

And the very next day, my favorite DirecTV tech guy showed up to fix everything.  This guy lives down the road from me, and he's been here before to fix stuff and do some upgrades.  I told him how the DirecTV supervisor was trying to sell me the satellite internet, and how according to him, it's my shitty, slower-than-snail-snot DSL internet service that's to blame for the "cabling problem".  The technician gave me a look that clearly said, That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, and he said, "Um, no.  It says "cabling problem".  That means there's a problem with the cables."  Then we both had a nice little laugh over the stupidity of it all.  I asked him if DirecTV was, in fact, affiliated with the satellite internet company that the supervisor man was pushing, and the technician said, Not exactly.  Apparently, the rumor is that some bigwig within DirecTV has stock in the satellite company, and that's why the DirecTV reps are pushing it.  But the technician said that it's just a rumor; he's not sure how true it is.  Regardless, he assured me that I don't want the satellite internet.  In my area, at least, it's not superior to DSL in any way, shape, or form; in fact, in some ways, it's vastly inferior.  But he did recommend the cable internet, if I ever decide to upgrade.

So, now it's Friday, and my replacement cell phone arrived, my television works, and I'm a happy camper.

Maybe later I'll come back and tell y'all about the band trip, finally, and all the fun that went along with that.

Awesomesauce Award + Shitty Day = This Post

I fucking LOVE this award.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Donna -- who blogs at Can't Keep It In No More -- for this REALLY FUCKING AWESOME Triumph Trophy!!!

Here's the deal for this particularly amazeballs award:

1)  Display the trophy on your post.  Check!
2)  Write a short piece that starts with:  I Didn't Kill ____ Today.  It doesn't have to be a person; it can be an appliance, a business, or anything else you choose.  Fuckin' A!  Here we go, though "Today" has been changed to "Yesterday", and it's not exactly "short".  Sorry!

I didn't kill Mr. Um yesterday! 
Let me go back and explain a little bit.  :-)

I chaperoned my 14-yo's band trip this week.  We went to New York to see Wicked, and walk a real fucking lot.

A real.  Fucking.  Lot.

Wicked was outstanding.  Hell, Wicked was outstanding plus spectacular, with a whole lotta fan-fucking-tabulous thrown in for good measure.

I highly recommend it.

But as good as the trip was -- despite the millions of miles we all walked -- and trust me, I'm only exaggerating a little -- there were so very many things that pissed me off . . . because I am an insufferable bitch who finds fault with everything, I guess.

But all that is fodder for tomorrow's post.

As we were on our way home from NY, we stopped at a mall food court, somewhere between NY and PA, for dinner.  And while we were there, I either lost my phone, or it was snatched.

I'm not sure which, but the end result is the same regardless . . . I've been without a cell phone since 4:45 PM on May 15, 2013 . . . AND I AM SLOWLY LOSING MY FUCKING MIND.

When the fuck did I become so dependent on my cell?!?

Thankfully, I'm insured.

Or so I thought.  Sorta. 

After we got home from the trip, I made a phone call to Best Buy, where I'd purchased my phone on May 1.  Turns out, the insurance, through Best Buy, that the sales guy talked me into purchasing on my and my husband's new phones, actually sucks.

See, the BB sales guy touted BB's insurance; he talked it up something fierce, saying that it was way better than the inferior, 3rd-party insurance that we had through Verizon Wireless.  He told us that there were no deductibles to worry about, and the only thing we had to be careful with was how we "worded" any claim we had to make.  He said that if we couldn't make the breakage sound "accidental enough", that we'd be best off telling BB that the phone was "lost", because then it'd be definitely covered, no questions asked.  Well, I was convinced.  Plus, BB gave the option to purchase a 2-year insurance plan all at once for a discounted price.

Sold!

So, like I said, all that was on May 1st.  On May 15th, when we got home from the trip at about 7:15 PM, I called Best Buy to find out how to go about filing a claim for my lost/stolen cell.  (I'd already suspended the service through Verizon the second I realized the phone was gone.)

The manager at Best Buy tells me that their insurance DOES NOT COVER lost/stolen cell phones.

WTF?!

"But your sales guy said . . . " I said, and I proceeded to explain exactly what the BB sales guy had said to me.  And after I explained . . . ?  I swear, you could hear crickets on the other line.  The Best Buy manager was like, "Um . . . yeah.  It's not covered.  Can I help you with anything else today?"

As if he'd been ever so helpful to begin with, right?

Well, I got pissed.  BB sales guy said their insurance was BETTER BY FAR than the insurance that I paid for through Verizon.  How could it be better when it covers LESS?!?

I asked that exact question, and again I was answered by crickets.

So then I asked, "Well, then, what about the insurance--?"

BB manager interrupted me.  "I told you, ma'am . . . the insurance doesn't cover lost/stolen phones!"

Me:  "You didn't let me finish.  I was going to ask if I can get money back for the insurance.  Y'know, since the phone it shit-ily, inadequately covered doesn't exist any more, for all intents and purposes."

BB manager:  "Um . . . yeah.  We can't do anything about that."

Me:  "I prepaid for 2 years of shitty, inadequate, and falsely-touted-as-superior insurance coverage.  You're telling me that you won't refund my money?  I only used 15 days worth of the 2 years of coverage!  I want my money back for the 1 year, 11 months, and 16 days worth of insurance that I will not be utilizing, since there's no longer anything to insure!"

BB manager:  "Um . . . I could maybe give you the number for our corporate office."

Me:  "Will they refund my money for the insurance?"

BB manager:  "Um . . . "

Me:  "OH, MY DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, PLEASE GET ME SOMEONE ELSE TO SPEAK TO WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.  PLEASE."

BB manager:  "Um . . . well, I mean, if it had been within the 15-day grace period for our no-hassle return policy, well, then, maybe we could've, like, gotten you your money back for the insurance plan."

Me (fuming, and trying to explode BB manager with the power of my brain):  "I just told you that we'd only had the insurance for 15 days.  My husband and I purchased our phones and the insurance plans on May 1.  Today is the 15th!  I JUST SAID THAT WE'D ONLY USED 15 DAYS WORTH OF THE INSURANCE."

BB manager:  "Um . . . oh, yeah.  Okay.  But you, like, gotta get here before we close.  Tomorrow, we won't be able to do anything."

So, I dragged my bone-tired ass back out of my house, and my husband and I took a drive to Best Buy, because I was not about to lose $300-some odd bucks on shitty insurance from BB by waiting another MINUTE to cancel, let alone another day.  We get down to BB, and as the Geek Squad guy was refunding my money for the two, 2-year insurance policies on the LAST DAY OF THE GRACE PERIOD FOR THEIR NO-HASSLE RETURN POLICY, I'm giving the manager -- a.k.a. Mr. Um, as I'd so justifiably dubbed the ignorant buffoon, during the ride from home to Best Buy -- a piece of my mind.  When I got to the part about how if I'd waited just one more day to cancel the insurance, I'd have lost out on $300-some odd bucks, and then I'd have been a REALLY.  PISSED.  OFF.  PERSON, Mr. Um stops me.

Mr. Um:  "Um . . . no . . . if you canceled tomorrow, you would've been refunded a prorated amount.  But because we're still in the 15-day grace period of our---"

Me:  "If you say "no-hassle", I will rip out your tongue and strangle you to death with it."

Mr. Um:  "Um . . . um . . . yeah, uh . . . you would've been refunded a prorated amount.  Within the 15-day . . . thing . . . if you cancel, you get the entire amount back."

Me:  "That's NOT what you said on the phone earlier."

Mr. Um:  "Um . . . "

Me:  "Never mind."

So, the husband and I left BB $300-some odd bucks up.  But, then my husband says, "Yeah, hon, that's great.  But now if I break my phone, we're fucked.  And you still have to spend full price to buy another phone, and it won't be insured!"

And that's when I remembered something awesome . . . because I'm the laziest fuck alive, I'd never gotten around to canceling our old insurance through Verizon.

Eureka!

I borrowed my husband's phone to make a call to confirm; lo and behold . . . yes, we're still insured by our allegedly inferior, 3rd party insurance through Verizon.  So, after filling out some forms and paying a $99 deductible, my new phone is supposed to arrive sometime tomorrow.

Thankfully.

So, FUCK YOU, Best Buy, and FUCK YOU, Mr. Um!

3)  Nominate a few people and let them know it's their turn to vent!  Will do!

I nominate Lily -- who blogs at The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose -- because she always makes me laugh and I love dating again, albeit vicariously, through her priceless dating experiences.

I nominate Valerie -- who blogs at Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi -- because her latest post about Taylor Swift being a whore made me laugh so much that Mike's Hard Lemonade came out my nose (and that shit burns worse than Bailey's-laced coffee, dude).

I nominate Abbe -- who blogs at Abbe's Cooking Antics -- because not only did I fall in love with her Sausage, Bean and Macaroni Stew, but I also happen to love the way she writes.  Her Mother's Day post had me rolling with laughter, and also going, "Awwww!"  I love reading her recipes, and I can't wait to read what she comes up with now that I'm giving her a fabulous excuse to vent! 

So, that the end of today's post, but unfortunately, it was not the end of my shit-tascular evening.  It continued after we got home from Best Buy.  In fact, I spent a good hour or so after getting home from Best Buy trying to blow up a DirecTV customer service rep with my mind.

It didn't work . . . but that's yet another story for another day, because right now I'm tired, and I need to go to bed.

But I don't need to go to bed now just because I'm tired.  Nope!  I need to go to bed now because all my kids are in their OWN FUCKING BEDS, and maybe -- just maybe -- I can take some personal responsibility for a self-induced orgasm or two!

Yay!

Saturday 9: Mama Told Me (Not to Come)

Saturday 9:  Mama Told Me (Not to Come)

1)  This song is about a lad who didn't take his mother's advice and attended the wild party anyway (hear it here).  When you were young, did your parents approve of your friends?  If you're a parent yourself, how have you handled it when your kids start hanging around with friends you're not crazy about?
I'm pretty sure my mother approved of the majority of my friends.  She did not, however, approve of my high school boyfriend.  I don't necessarily blame her, looking back on it now.  Speaking as a parent, I only ever had an issue with one friend of my 14-yo.  That friend was one of those kids who was mean to other kids to make herself feel better.  Once my daughter got involved with the marching band, though, she drifted away from that little asshole, thank goodness.  I really didn't have to do or say anything about it at all.

2)  A 2010 poll named Marge Simpson of The Simpsons the most popular TV mom of all time.  Who is your favorite TV (or movie) mother?
Lorelei Gilmore of Gilmore Girls.  

3)  Crazy Sam's mother is a big fan of The National Enquirer.  As she likes to say, "They were right about John Edwards!"  Do you read the tabloids?  Cast a guilty glance at them when you're in line at the store?  Or ignore them altogether?
Tabloids have never been my thing.  You'd sooner catch me reading Cosmo in line at the store, than any tabloid.  (Though, in all honesty, I'm more likely to be fucking around on my phone than reading magazines.)

4)  Mother Winters always gave Sam peppermint tea to calm her stomach.  Do you have any tried-and-true home remedies to share?
I always give my kids ginger-ale when they've an upset stomach, though personally, I can't stand the stuff.

5)  Thinking of guts . . . when making decisions, do you tend to consider all the options carefully or do you "go with your gut"?
It really depends on the decision.  I tend to over-think things that don't need over-thinking, and "go with my gut" when I really ought to sit down and weigh options.  I'm a hot mess, most of the time.

6)  Spring is here!  Do you have a green thumb?
Fuck, no.  Plant life that I touch tends to die a horrible death.  When we grow tomatoes, I'm forbidden by my husband from getting within 10 feet of the plants.

7)  Have you put away your winter clothes yet?
I never put away my summer clothes from last year.

8)  After you lather and rinse, do you repeat?
It depends on how dirty I feel.  ;-)

9)  To celebrate Mother's Day, Sam is giving away Hershey bars.  Would you prefer classic milk chocolate, dark chocolate, or milk chocolate with almonds?
Normally, I'd go for the dark chocolate.  But I'm feeling rather nutty today, so Sam . . . ?  Send me a milk chocolate with almonds, m'kay?  Thanks, doll!

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***Come play along over at Saturday 9!  It'll be fun . . . I promise!***